The Grateful Undead:They're So Vein

Author, Susan Stec

In my written world I'm immortal. I catch vamp-animals, play with fairies, laugh with ghosts, chase a seer, employ a doppelganger, fight with werewolves, hate trolls, cut down rogues, and have an on again, off again romance with the oldest immortal on the planet, who has the biggest (ahem) fangs you've ever seen.

Book Trailer Teasers:

They're So Vein (volume 1):

Lemme make it easy for you. Click the book--and shazam!--you'll find yourself on my Barnes and Noble Nook page.

Be careful what you pray for...

...I merely asked to live a long healthy life and hinted that I wouldn't mind starting over while keeping the knowledge I had accumulated in my 58 years. And if a better set of tits and less wrinkles were involved, I certainly wouldn't complain.

Well, I'm here to tell you, God does listen, to everything... and he's got quite a frigging sense of humor.

I'm the undead proof.

Click the picture above--and poof!--your on my Amazon Kindle page.

From Hags...........................

To Bitches............................

In Her Own Words:

I'm the leader of this little ragtag group we call a family. I don't want be the leader but I sure as shit am not letting these other estrogen deficient blood suckers call the shots. You got a problem with that? I'd love to hear it. Click the picture.

Chick

My mother, before...

...and after

Chick:
AKA, Nana

Why she won't wear underwear that isn't leather I'll never know. Since the change, she's horny and half-dressed all the time. The only problem is if she drinks blood from a guy and doesn't polish his knob at the same time, bad things happen. Bad things like... Chick's Himbo Accident.

JoAnn

I can't forget my sister the uptight twit...

...who got me into this mess. JoAnn doesn't mean to be a pain in the ass but if Mary Poppins had an OCD sister who wished she was in an episode of Happy Days, that'd be my sister. If JoAnn had a bladder bigger than a peanut, I'd still be middle-aged and very alive. And can you believe she's still mad because I ate her poodle?

I should have eaten her!

I'm thankful for Jeni

The only one of my kids that actually has some sense and refuses to be turned into one of the undead. She's the only reasonable one in our bunch.

Chick sort of forced the fangs on JoAnn. If she had done that to Jeni, I think Jeni would have brought out the stakes and a bottle of holy water. Besides all of us get along with Jeni and that's saying something because the women in this family can't get along with a saint. Plus, without her to run the computer, we'd never be able find anything on the Internet.

She's our moral compass, such as it is, and she's never tried to run me over with her car. Although I think she's thought about it a few times.

And then there is Resi

Now unlike JoAnn and Jeni, my younger daughter Resi embraced the vampire life with great enthusiasm. As vain as she is, having a permanently tight ass and perky boobs for all eternity puts the giddy in her giddy-up.

Resi--Ah, l love Resi. My girl is loyal as hell and usually can follow direction unlike Chick and Joann. When I don't want to slap some common sense into her for being a provoking bitch, I want to hug the shit out of her. She's wicked smart, good in a fight and she pisses Dorius off. What more could I ask for?

Well to stop tongue kissing Zaire on the kitchen table would be nice. Jeni still eats there.

Supporting team members:

Zaire, is like a pit-bull in a steroid rage

Zaire--is hot in a muscle chick sort of way, I guess, and she loves Resi but the woman needs to learn to control her temper. You can't just rip the throat out of any person that bumps you in the street. Save that attitude for someone who deserves it like Christopher.

Christopher

Oh, he's the viscous little midget who bit me.

The shit

Christopher--I hesitated to list this little monster but I figure if I have to count Dorius, I have to count Christopher. Don't be fooled because he looks like he just got out of pre-school, Christopher is a horny homicidal devil. If he hadn't bit me in that public restroom, I'd still be alive. Since I'm now stuck as his pseudo boss and warden, he better learn to kiss my ass or he'll end up locked in a mausoleum in Italy for the next 100 years or so.

I guess I should mention my mate, Marcus

I didn't want him for a mate, he insisted. And he's hot. It's hard to say no when a muscled, sexy guy wants to rock your world for all eternity but I tried, oh how I tried.

Marcus--So what's my problem with having a vampire stud at my disposable day and night? Well, he's bossy. He's always trying to tell me what to do. Don't fang JoAnn. Don't stake Dorius. Don't hold Christopher's head in the toilet until the bubbles stop. Be polite, Susan. Listen Susan. Really, I'm not sure anyone's penis is worth that kind of aggravation. But I decided I don't have to stop screwing him until I figure out if I want to keep him. That's fair, right?

Gibbie

Gibbie--may only be two inches tall but he has an attitude that just about outranks Zaire's. And you just know they don't get along.

I kind of like the fairy. Well, until he opens his mouth. The little guy talks like he just took a hit off a helium balloon at a pitch that makes my eardrums ring. And he's always hovering like a hummingbird - getting right up in everyone's faces. First time my idiot sister saw him, she thought he was a bug and pulled out a can of Raid.
Boy, was that a big mistake.

Jake

Jake-- Jake-Jake-Jake, tell me, what can you say about a thirty foot purple dragon with a flatulence problem?

In Jake's defense, he does have issues with the women in my family. We make him nervous. We are a bit vocal. But hell, he doesn't have to stink up the place or shoot a five foot flame that ignites anything in its path every time one of us goes ape-shit! Which just happens to be every five minutes. We've all tried to help him overcome this issue. We even bought him some Beano and Mom refilled her prescription of Valium for him, but nothing is working so far. All I can say is, if we have to replace the headliner in Dorius's car again, it's not my fault!

Dorius thinks he's the boss of us. Bastard

Technically he should have put us all down for killing a human (Chick's Himbo Accident), or for turning most of our family, not to mention JoAnn (the bane of my existence) accidentally turning a few animals. Instead he decided to stick us with controlling Christopher and catching all the vampire animals. Dorius is the one who put us in Critter Control. Like I said, a bastard.

Paul

Sure Paul's eye candy, smart, with a good sense of humor but he's a damn wolf, too!

He pisses me off. He's always flirting with Jeni, and she flirts back! Ain't no way I'm gonna be paper training grandkids, so it just isn't happening! Nuff said.

Mort

And that brings us to Mort, the last member of our team, a troll who lives in the lake behind our house. Mort isn't around much, but when we have to chase vamped-out gators, Mort's the one to call.

Vampire

Critters

The Grateful Undead: They're So Vein

Available at Amazon, and Barnes & Noble

Click to go to Black Matrix Publishing

Finishing up the second and third in the series. Watch for the releases in 2012

Here's one I'm sure all my fellow writers will see ... on Twitpic

Author Spotlight:
Jeni Decker lives on a farm in rural Michigan with her husband, two autistic sons, some chickens, the occasional pig, her dog, and an albino frog named Humbert Humbert.
Hot off the press: her memoir I Wish I Were Engulfed in Flames (Skyhorse Publishing).
Coming soon: Far From Happy, (PD Publishing).
You can find her blatantly exploiting her children and their antics for her own literary benefit on her blog: closetspacemusings.blogspot.com.
Along with her partner in crime, Kat Nove (katnovian.com), she has published Waiting for Karl Rove, a snarky road trip memoir.

Click her picture and visit Jeni's blog

I Wish I Were Engulfed in Flames

Click on either cover and go to the Amazon page

The down and dirty world of one autism mom's journey—from sex-ed to Santa Claus.

Jeni Decker is five-foot nothing and one hundred and [redacted] pounds—a self described roly-poly, forty-something, Reubenesque bon-bon of a gal, often called cute but never sexy. She has two sons with autism on opposite ends of the spectrum (Jake and Jaxson), a husband who prefers hunting to household chores, an Australian Shepherd named Sugar, and an albino frog named Humbert Humbert.
This is her story—a brash, personal, and some-times shocking memoir of one woman’s determination to raise two healthy kids with autism and keep her sanity in the process. It’s not always easy. Between “poop” incidents, temper tantrums, and the “helpful” advice about parenting from her fellow citizens in the grocery store, Jeni often finds herself wanting to throw something.
With chapters like: “Tickling the Weiner,” “Why I Hate Pokemon,” “Santa: Give it a Friggin’ Rest, Already,” and “Oprah’s the Reason My Kid Thinks I Want to Drown Him in the Tub,” I Wish I Were Engulfed in Flames also includes mini-chapters written by her eldest son, Jake.
Readers looking for laughter and inspiration will find it here aplenty, along with tons of surreal anecdotes that will have you either shaking your head in disbelief (for those unacquainted with the world of autism) or nodding with recognition (for those who are). As Jeni says, “I developed a new ‘normal.’”
24 full-color photographs

Waiting for Karl Rove is irreverent, politically incorrect satire masquerading as road trip memoir.

Excerpts from Amazon reviews:

Oh. My. God. This book is NUTS! I've never read anything like it and was laughing out loud by page two. The footnotes are so damn funny, they made the book!...

Beginning with page one of the book they take issue with much of what we see in the world politically (both on the right and the left), and take it upon themselves to take on a journey that will lead them into trouble, mayhem and madness that will have you laughing and smiling with each and every page...

Waiting for Karl Rove is what might be considered a psychotic poke at some of the most powerful people in the country. Not to mention poking fun at the publishing and movie industries. Laugh out loud funny. Brilliant, and a must read for all. I'm still laughing...

The scathing tone the authors take with the conservative politicians in question is made more than palatable, because of their self-effacing sense of humor. It can't be offensive if they are willing to drag themselves through their own sassy, sarcastic filter as well. And believe you me, the authors pull no punches...

Coming soon: Gator Baitin' (Volume 2)

Covers and video for Gator Baitin' by:
Tirzah L.Goodwin, affordable graphic design,: book covers - video trailers

Click to view more of Tirz's covers and videos.

Or visit her blog: http://acleverwhatever.blogspot.com